Day 103

So today is day 103 since I left my “real” job. I ran out of the money that I knew I had right when I thought I would. And I’m still moving forward. God is showing up in amazing and unbelievable ways. My car died and someone made a donation that covered buying a new one and my bills for March. I can’t even explain how that happened.
I am sitting here on the 24th Of the month with a huge electric bill due my rent unpaid and peace in my heart that it will be fine and taken care of. On the other hand my worth as a person and if I’m doing enough work is being challenged in my own mind and the enemy is using everything he has against me.
I didn’t realize how much worth my job gave me and how much I defined my character by the amount of work I was doing and how busy I was. Even if I wasn’t actually doing anything. Just being busy and having people count on me for the answers was enough to feel needed and worth something. Right now I am in a position where I don’t have much to give anyone anything. I feel very meek and humbled and honestly a lot of days I feel worthless because I don’t feel like I’m contributing to my own life.
I keep getting reassured by God that I’m in the right place and I am doing His will and to hold on to His word and His promises and all will be right with my soul. He tells me my identity is in Him and what I’m doing for Him is worth far more then anything else I did at my other job.
I see people inspired by my leap of faith and when they see me walking by faith and not buy sight they seem joyful to see someone doing it. But, sometimes I feel like there has to be more to it then that! I must have to do something else. I can’t just simply go around trusting God… Or can I? Well the last 103 days have proven to me that that is exactly what I need to do,and continue to do.
But, the enemy tries to lie to me every minute of every day it seems. He tells me I have failed at things my whole life and this is no different. He tells me I can’t do this I don’t know what I’m doing, the task is to hard and takes too much work for me, he tells me there is no way I’m gonna pull this off and people think I’m nuts. He tells me people are waiting to see me fail and fall flat on my face. The enemy tells me I will be alone forever because no one wants to be with someone so needy so out there so wishy washy.
But the truth is that the enemy is right, about most of that. This is too big for me and I can’t do this… By myself! I have to have God guiding every moment and His help for every decision or I will fall flat on my face. And there probably are people waiting to see that happen.But,God tells me to put my trust in Him and get my worth and identity from Him. Not to dwell on the negative thoughts of others. He will carry me and I will succeed even with people who doubt and persecute my faith. I just have to keep moving one small step as God lays it in front of me.
This is teaching me to trust his provision for today and to not put to much stock in tomorrow. He gives me more then what I need for today every time. Anxiety and worry only comes when I start to look too far ahead when I try to take over and make big plans for myself, this ministry ect…,yes it takes planning but in Gods timing those plans fall into place just as they should.
I can’t explain how I know when to do what. I sometimes have no idea what I’m doing, I sometimes get ahead of myself and God, I doubt sometimes, I cry and scream for directions sometimes. But, deep inside I know He has a plan and it is being carried out in me and through my life. Despite the ups and downs and doubts, through the fear and worry. God will prevail and He will accomplish the purpose He will for my life.
I just have to remember it is already done! God already won, the enemy has already been defeated! All the trials I come up against, every negative thought and every trying relationship is allowed to come against me in order to make me who He wants me to be. A daughter of the sovereign Lord of all. Strong in faith an courage, full of love and Grace, willing to die and suffer for my God and King.
Can’t wait to see what day 104 has to offer.