I feel like I am being called out of the boat again. I refer to this every time I fell God calling me to do something I either don’t understand or something that makes me so fearful I can’t possibly do it without Him.
Matthew 14:22-31 KJV
And straightway Jesus constrained his disciples to get into a ship, and to go before him unto the other side, while he sent the multitudes away. And when he had sent the multitudes away, he went up into a mountain apart to pray: and when the evening was come, he was there alone. But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary. And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea. And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear. But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid. And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water. And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?
Right now, I feel as though I’m in a boat, with the waves crashing around me and the “wind is boisterous!”
If you have read any of my previous blogs (as random as they can be sometimes) you may know about the coffee shop I was working on. Ok, correction the coffee shop I AM working on. If you haven’t then you don’t know much about what’s going on with me right now or what has been going on the last few years.
I would suggest reading the blog entries listed below before reading anything else. Other wise you may not really get anything I talk about:
Reposted from a blog I never let anyone read
365 Days with Jesus
Ok, on with crashing waves and crazy wind. So, I thought I was running in the right direction with the pursuit of this coffee shop/ art gallery for Jesus I have been given the vision for. But, it has been one road block after another. Some of that I will say I believe was the enemy, working his hardest to distract and discourage me as much as possible. Another aspect of it is me, my flesh, my desire to see this through.
All though perseverance and endurance are both things I can say God is teaching me (and a much needed lesson it has been) there is also striving for prideful reasons and just down right being stubborn.
I have other blog entries about a cross country trip and mentioned praying about it and seeking God out for answers. I am going to go against the things inside of me telling me to write about this vaguely and I am going to write about it as truthfully as possible.
I am leaving in May 2015, my goal is to save $3000.00 between now and then. These are two things I feel very strongly about after lots of prayer.
So, where do I go? Two options: Alaska for seasonal work, or a wondering cross country trip I have talked about for years.
What about the coffee shop? Are you ready for this one… I don’t know. I am finding out and learning this IS an exceptable answer. The desire is still there but I feel like there is something missing to have it go forward as God intends it to. I know when the time is right God will bring it together. This is a very hard thing for me to accept.
At least it was at first. I have been having feelings of doubt and all kinds of emotions and fleeting thoughts ever since that original building got sold back in July and I was asked to move.
How can I be doing everything I do, believing with all my heart it is what God wants me to do and then its done? How can I put all that time and all that effort into something for God and have it taken away?
How can I sacrifice my time my money and all my resources and even my own personal comfort for the sake of God and then have what I was doing just stop?
All I could think of for weeks was these questions and many others. Mostly question about what I did wrong to make this happen. And the answer I kept getting was… Nothing.
It is just time for something else. A new season, new lesson, new opportunities. I don’t need to know how, or why, who, nothing. I don’t need to know anything. Just trust the Lord and carry on. Do what I feel Him telling me to do and carry on. No, explanation needed.
Is it frustrating at times? Yes
I feel weird talking about things I know I’m supposed to do and then three months later those things are totally different and don’t seem to add up to the end vision I know I was given. Who can figure out and 100% discern the will of God? I sure can’t. All I know is that when I feel things this strong, its Him and when I don’t listen or I let fear get the best of me, it usually calls for hard times. But, when I blindly go with it and trust even when it seems foolish. It always works out in the end and then it makes all the sense in the world.
So crashing waves of confusion and some disappointment that things didn’t come together how I saw it coming together. Had some doubt in my ability to hear God as well. But, God is growing my faith with every act of obedience and helping me to see Him even in doubt. So, when the boat starts rocking and I am unsure if its Him I’m hearing. I say “Lord if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.”
So He said Jessica “Come.”
And I got out of the boat…. again….
Lets see where this goes this time!