Here we are, Day 324 and I can tell by the stats on this blog that about 8 people have ever seen it. Why not more you ask? Well, fear yet again. What are you afraid of now?! Well, lets get it all out there.
I am afraid of looking foolish for the things I think and write.
I’m afraid to share my deep thoughts with others and really let people know whats inside this head,
I’m afraid of my horrible spelling and grammatical errors poisoning the minds of people who can correct all my errors and laugh at how elementary my writing is.
I know it’s here for people to see but I hardly share that fact with anyone.
I fear that when I feel God speaking to me it will not match up with what the majority thinks even pastors and church people and I will be seen as uneducated because I don’t know what I’m talking about according to them.
I am sure there are more fears in there. But, those are the major reasons I keep this little blog here on lock down.
I am feeling I should share it anyway and put it out there to more people. I think it is going to play a major role in the next steps on this path that God and I are traveling together. Sometimes my thoughts are all over the place and they need a dumping ground. Sometimes God is connecting so many dots I just sit back in Awe and wonder how to write it all out to give Him glory for what He shows me.
Part of me feels that writing about all the amazing things that are coming together is bragging and I shouldn’t do that. But, it is bragging unto the Lord. I am weak, more timid then anyone can imagine. I am insecure and feel completely ill equip to deal with life. I feel as though no matter how hard I try to pray and listen I am always falling short of Gods will and making wrong choices. I feel my entire life has been bad choice, bad choice, bad choice, deal with consequences, repeat.
I know most of this is a lie from the enemy. I know I have skills that make me equip to deal with this life, to make a good living even. I know with determination I can “get it together” have the American dream and live happily every after. According to the worlds standard and playing by their rules, and living up to their expectations.
Some days it seems it would be the preferable way to go about life. Go back to work get my paid vacation back, 401 (K) plan, a steady pay check that actually covers my expenses. I would love these things…. Some days
For some reason, and I can’t explain it any better then you can guess, this just isn’t me. I fit into that world just fine, but it doesn’t feel right. My soul and spirit ache for what God wants from this life He gave me. I see possessions as His and money as a way to accomplish what He wants. Do I want things? Yes, I do. But, the longer I walk with the Lord the less fancy those things get.
When I first got saved and started tithing, God blessed me with the ability to buy a car for the first time ever. I got a red sporty car and took great care of it. I bragged that God had blessed me for my obedience and was arrogant with my faith and became prideful. (Not saying we cant have nice things and love the Lord, I’m just telling my story and no judgement is intended on those who like the finer things in life.) I in turn fell off the pedestal I was perched on and landed in a bar drinking my life away and the “blessing” from God was repossessed.
What is my point? My point is that the things that used to bring me joy no longer do. Now, I drive a car I own that was a true gift and blessing from God, paid in full, that I am completely unworthy of. But, non the less there it is for me day in and day out. I don’t think it is a reward really I have done nothing worthy of a reward. I feel it is a gift God has given me because it is a tool I need, to do what He wants me to. He is letting me borrow it while I’m here so I can get to where ever he chooses to take me.
And that may very well soon be Alaska! I am getting excited for the possibility of finally getting there. I have felt a pull to go for over a year now. I always get the urge to GO… Go where? Anywhere and every where. Ecuador, Peru, Jamaica, Iceland… everywhere.
I know at this point God wants me to GO. Not sure what I do when I get there or where I go but the GO part is very clear.
First, Alaska and then Peru then Europe? Maybe travel the United States, Alaska, Peru, then Iceland? Maybe none of the above, or all in different order. The other thing that is clear is I will share His good news with those I meet. I feel Him training me.
Record makes that scratching noise and then a dead silence…….. what? You… feel God training you?
Yes, when I sit quietly with Him He gives me questions to ask strangers and then gives me courage to ask friends and family. He nudges me out of my comfort zone to reach out to the last person I want to talk to. Not because they aren’t a good person just because there is tension and I hate how it feels. I feel Him making me wonder things like what people are thinking and how they live when they go home. Are they at peace in this life? Do they know Him?
That’s the point, that’s the meat of it. Do they know Him. He wants me to find out and wants me to find out why or why not they believe.
All of THEM, any one, everyone from everywhere. Wondering question asking lady, could that really be a calling. Seems simple minded, seems sort of elementary. Seems ridiculous to think that wondering around asking people questions is missionary work.
Love them He says, and I say sometimes its hard. I really don’t even like people! At least I didn’t used to. Now you want me to embrace them, get to know them, love them, accept them, heal them with your touch and give them hope with your Word? Wow, God is big and all powerful!
If only the deepest depths of my soul from even just four years ago was poured out in a blog the transformation of my heart would silence most of Gods critics.
So, If God has changed me so much and is so powerful, why all this fear? Well, we still live in this world (for now) and things still hurt and egos (even ones being tamed by the creator) get hurt and damaged and worry. Its what we do, He knows that. Tiny steps in the process makes leaps of progress once linked together. Hind site is a beautiful thing sometimes! You get to have the Ah ha moment and see your struggle was for a purpose.
So, I wait to share this blog with a ton of people because I don’t know If my character is developed enough to stand the trials that may come. Comments that could be made. I do claim that God speaks to me and I follow His voice in all I do (to the best of my ability) I don’t know how common a claim that is nowadays.
In my circle of friends it is except-able and even coveted. But, what if this expands beyond that comfort zone, what If……
The most horrible words in the English language when paired…. What if?
So, I pray to stop waiting and pray to get the courage to ignore the what if, to throw caution to the wind. To put it out there and act as if no one reads it. Maybe no one will read it. Who would know if you don’t just get it out there.
Ok, pact with myself and God. We pray and next blog entry gets mass posted and put in the newsletter. This may not seem like a big deal to the two of you reading this but, this is a huge step.
If you are still reading thank you!
I am going to begin putting prayer request at the ends of blogs and in the newsletter. If you could please join me in prayer for these things requests:
I pray for courage to put myself out there so others can watch God work
I pray for funding to start coming together for coffee shop start up money and travel
I pray that God continues to give me the faith needed to carry out whatever He may ask of me
I pray for partners in ministry to come together with me and with Se7en Missions to accomplish Gods mission for us.
I pray against the enemy that tries to stop all the above from happening.